no fear

oh have i been havin fun with these water colors!
really i reccomend gettin some to play around with!
i was playin around last night and thought hmmm lets
try a portrait. ive never done a portrait before so i
basically just used this pic for a guideline of myself.
well as i was doin it at one point i thought it looked more
like my sister than me! not so much now that i have it done
tho...i cheated and got lazy to fix my right eye so i just
did my hair down over the eye lol...

the back ground is 2 colored washes blended together and
sprinkled with salt and dried and scraped off. my journalling
was too long for the space so i made a pocket from vellum *gasp*
you all remember what vellum is right? lol..yah so i kept it simple
and cut,stapled and inked and added the paisley rub.

the journalling is right from the ole heart ....i actually wrote
this july 11th....i had planned on putting it in my journal but
thought tonight ahhh lets do it on this page i guess. since then i
have started letting it go...but i do still have some fears but don't
we all. such is life eh?

it reads:

fear.thats what i have.
stupid fear!but why?
who really cares?
these are my fears.let it go.let it out.
i'm scared of getting hurt.
i'm scared of the unknown.
i'm scared i will fail.

it's ok. I know my heart and soul.why be scared?
just be. I say it lots. just be.fear. what a thing.
it can fuck you up.

why can't i seem to focus? am i really that numb?
why am i affraid to REALLY feel? it's fear.damn fear.
i hate feeling like this. it coversmy heart and soul.
so not fair. let it go. let it out.i don't want to hurt anymore.
i just want to love and be loved.to be happy. thats all.
it's not hard. i have it in me. i do feel deep. i am deep.
but so scared to open up. be the flower.open up and shine.
who really cares?

how many times will i pick myself up and dust myself off?
i am strong with fear in me. let it go. let it out.
fear will not win with me. it has me by the ass right now, but not forever.
this is where i am.
in fear. adjusting in fear. let it go laurie. let it go.

Laurie ;-)